Teens' Normal Sexual Life

The girls filed into the public atrium -- a three-story, hollow, impersonal room -- to discuss some of the most intimate things in their lives: being raped, having sex with strangers, dating men a decade older than their adolescent selves. Three dozen or so brave parents sat in the seats set up behind and beside them, some braced for what they would hear, some resigned to what they already seemed to know.

The girls then broke into smaller groups and regathered in surrounding classrooms to talk privately about things that would later break my heart; things the public wouldn’t believe; things the media doesn’t have time for, particularly in Detroit, where investigations of government corruption have pre-empted everything but sunrises.

When the girls came out an hour later, a spokeswoman for each group took the stage to "report out" on their words and challenges.

Take a breath:

Many girls who were 13 to 16 years old were having sex and have had anywhere from 10 to 15 sexual partners -- most they don’t know by name.
Some girls in that same age group are "dating" men as old as 30 because the men can give them things -- love, money, presents -- that their parents cannot.

They talked about girls who are being raped and feeling powerless to do anything afterward, blocked by a sexual irrevolution that has made feelings irrelevant and intercourse the new dating. They feel that these encounters are their fault, and they are ashamed to tell anyone. They are not seeing doctors. And some are getting pregnant.

Forum for dark secrets
The revelations from the Neighborhood Service Organization’s historic summit on girls and sexual attitudes, a forum called "Sex, Lies and Older Guys," drew hundreds of preteens and teens to Wayne County Community College on Saturday, where they spent the equivalent of a school day pouring out their feelings and hearing from trained psychologists about what to do with their problems.

They also heard from Bill Cosby, who came to town at their invitation because many of them don’t have fathers in their lives. The activist and entertainer pulled no punches.

"I keep hearing it takes a village. No! No! No! That’s the problem with the village -- the ‘it’ part. Who makes up the ‘it?’ ”

Days later, my head reels from the things I heard. I have never felt more frightened for our children than while learning what passes for normal life for teenagers now. With vulgar music making objects of girls and gangsters of boys, with teen fashion being designed by seeming pedophiles -- and with standards for behavior being set by veejays on a half-dozen TV stations, a few dozen radio stations and thousands of Web sites -- it’s no wonder our children don’t know where to turn or how to act.

And sadly, increasingly for many girls, as some said Saturday, they are not turning to their families.

One of the forum’s planners was V’Lecea Hunter, an 18-year-old prep school graduate who was raped at 16 by an older guy who used to watch her through the bathroom window of her mother’s house. She never told her mother. And if she hadn’t eventually told her grandmother, she never would have received medical attention.

She spoke Saturday, brilliantly, about the fact that it is never too late to change your life:

"What do you want out of life, and what do you have to do so that you can achieve that goal? Think about all of the mistakes that you have done and how you can overcome them. Is it possible? Is it possible to make mistakes and still turn out to be a great, smart, determined, financially stable, loving, caring, and enjoyable person?


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